Erotic Vignette

Shibari is an underground erotic art, involving the ancient Japanese practice of tying knots. Exploring this artform gave me the opportunity to explore my relationship between pleasure and pain.

I’d been emotionally broken by men in so many ways, which was ok, because life doesn’t always bring you what you desire. Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle. The obstacles on your path arrive with this as the main target, making you grow.

The problem I had was that I felt nothing. I felt completely numb. Nothing, zip. I was hoping that through physical pain, I would be able to access that deep emotional pain, that I had buried somewhere underneath all the masks I was wearing.

I met Annika, the cutest and sweetest Russian fire spinner and she expressed that image I had painted in my brain. She had been able to access her emotional pain, through physical pain, which allowed her to feel the pain, and then let it go.

She explained a type of knot-tying practice, where the practitioner can hang you. I love inversions, and aerials, combined with erotica, I couldn’t help but feel intrigued. I had always heard that voice inside my head telling me to explore my relationship with pain a bit closer, but there had always been the eyes of others, and that other voice in my head holding me back. 

 

Until one day a man broke my heart, again, and I realized I simply had to walk that path on my own. Giovanni was kind, yet clearly had hidden depths. He intrigued me, he offered me water, from a colorful vodka bottle, which I evidently loved. He introduced the short history of Shibari, and quickly gave me a list of boundaries, between submission and domination––only to realize I didn’t have very many boundaries. He was going to slowly, and carefully bind me in ropes, and later hang me from the ceiling; pushing my boundaries. “I hope you are here for the right reasons”, he said. 

I asked for a safe word, in case I hit a limit. “Stop”, he said. Unless you like to scream that to get more? I laughed and nodded, no, with a gentle smile on my face. 

I think Giovanni is probably the man that has touched me in the most sensual way, and also the person that spanked me the hardest. He in confidence told me after our time together, that I’m probably the submissive he spanked the hardest in his life, and I was still smiling with a tiny crinkle in my eyes. Next would have been punching, I said no and smiled. 

He looked straight into my eyes, and told me, “Yes, you like pain.” My heart skipped a beat. Did I like pain? Was that okay? He told me I was a very different person on the mat than I was at the table, talking to him in my kitchen earlier. “You are actually very sensitive, and I understand that you hide it, it must be very painful sometimes”, he told me.  

“Extremely painful”, I replied, still worth it though. He said the only way to crack me was the spanking. He said, “You are very strong, and you have a very interesting personality.” My heart felt warm, I felt truly seen. There is a form of communication through the rope, a whole range of emotions.

 

I looked at him and couldn’t help but wonder how he managed to read all this from tying me up, and hanging my body from his ceiling. I mean he blind folded me, and started attaching me in the most extraordinary positions. The ropes were around my neck, pulling my hair back, cross-attached around my entire leg, and then the grand finale was being positioned towards the ceiling, which evidently tightened all the ropes, and I have to admit, it was really painful. This practice originated from Hojo-Jitsu, a form of torture to restrain captives, and Kinbaku, the beauty of tight binding, erotic bondage. The bare skin against a rough rope gives a beautiful contrast. 

Giovanni said, “I’m not a sadist. I don’t take pleasure in inflicting pain on others. I’m in it for the emotional connection. I do have to warn you though, it is sexual, and it is painful. There will be no penetration, I will keep my pants on.” 

“Fair enough”, I replied.

Bondage for pleasure. It is about giving permission, and about taking power. When the submissive shows signs of discomfort, or resistance, the master might just push further, not necessarily giving in, or being kind. I put little Julie, the person I spend my daily life with, working on improving, temporarily on the shelf. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t run away. Instead I leaned into the pain, and let it crack my heart open. It showed me all the people that had broken my heart lately, oh so deeply, all these emotions I had been stocking up. That pain hidden in the depth of my soul, making me numb. I surrendered fully, and tears started running down my cheeks. He pulled me higher, and I let go completely. It is oh so tiring to always want to be in control. Release from these deepest corners of yourself feels like eternal bliss. With time,

I’ll be able to access these parts of myself, without needing the pain. True mastery of the self.

The truth is once you lean into the pain, somehow you become anesthetized, and the pain becomes bearable. It almost feels like your body becomes your buddy, and it eases out the pain. I managed to stretch my body, and using the ropes, I swung into it. The expression on my face changed, I was in. I looked gorgeous, and clearly exactly where I was meant to be. That’s where all that fly-high yoga paid off. Ha!

 

Giovanni was so sensual, and caring. I felt taken care of, fully held, respected, and I had one of the most surprising orgasms of my life. There is a curious relationship between pain and pleasure. Hanging from the ceiling, hearing the cracking of the ropes, with a man’s tongue between my legs, and ladies, he knows all the cuni secrets. I managed to lean into it, and truth is, it transported me. The explosion of the orgasmic energy, and the pain of hanging by my leg from the ceiling brought for an interesting mix. He just knew, no need to speak, la creme de la creme of Slow Intimacy, and all for me. “Nothing is expected of you”, he said. He kept his pants on. The pleasure of giving, and receiving.

I couldn’t help but think every man should learn the knot-tying techniques of Shibari. The relationship between the submissive and the master makes so much sense. It’s one based on trust. Taking care of eachother in loving kindness. Pushing, and exploring each other’s boundaries, little by little. That man knew exactly how a woman’s body was built. He was caring, sensual, and when the time was right, he took charge and it felt so good for me, a control freak, to fully let go and release all control. 

 

When he lowered me from his ceiling, he gently placed my leg over the other. I felt beautifully vulnerable, probably the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. It felt so freeing. I allowed him to fully see me. He gently detached every single rope he had tied me in. Each rope carefully sliding between my legs, around my painful leg, around my neck, releasing my hair, I felt some of my emotional pain leaving with every rope he was removing. It was painful, yet exquisite. I was shaking. But I felt so safe, and taken care of. After the long untying, he placed every single rope on top of my body. Then he placed me on my side, and he took me in his arms. I felt so protected, and cared for. My god! Seriously! I’m such an aftercare junky. It’s the best, isn’t it?

I think it’s safe to say I’ll be visiting Giovanni again, since I feel like my emotional pain can be accessed through embracing the physical pain. Stay tuned for Slow Intimacy – Level II…

Driving out of there, I knew I had shifted into a different version of myself. A version where I had accepted to step into my shadow, and embrace the full version of me. What I didn’t expect was to see myself so clearly. That moment was the purest form of intimacy I have had with myself in a very long time. 

My favorite: the sound of the ropes cracking when he was licking my ass, not knowing I was ticklish. It was the only time I had no control over myself, and I fully let go. I felt play would become a big part of my life going forward.

Thank you universe for always bringing me what I manifest. Even if I feel strange as fuck, I can now proudly say I feel comfortable in my weirdness, I am embracing the fact that I am bisexual, and I clearly like BDSM.

“You smell good”, he said 

I replied, ”You make me feel safe.” 

“Hallelujah!”, I said.

“Amen”, he replied.

He told me, “I had the crappiest morning, and you made my day great!” I’m glad Giovanni.

He helped me reach into a version of myself that I didn’t know was there, and that person, she  makes me feel safe, and confident that beautiful things are coming. I have faith, which I haven’t had in a very long time. 

This took me exactly where I thought it would.

And I need to go again––I’ve got lots of emotional crap still to clear out…

He said to come again for sure, I’d love that. 

When it’s meant to be…

It happens on a platter.

Would you like to get tied up?

Or would you like to see someone get tied up?

Most people do, because of the element of danger, mixed with desire for intimacy, and show. 

Note: Practice only with responsibility, and humility.

Artist @ruttu_ruttu

Read Eva Harris’ essay: Shibari Bondage as a Transpersonal Experience here