The episode contains explicit content about sexuality and other mature stuff, listener discretion is advised.
Julie: Valentine’s day is coming up, it’s the day of love. We love love, and we’re doing a whole body positivity challenge to inspire more self-love in lives all over the world. Love is also as a couple, and that’s how we met online. Because we are kind of fighting for the same cause, to improve intimacy in long-term couples that have kind of lost their spark. Helping people do the work that will keep them together, and keep them thriving. Especially in sensuality, in love, and romance.
April: Yes, what keeps our heart pumping. Syren’s heart is my company. It’s basically all about building intimacy within a couple. It is for any type of couple, it’s open to everyone, I just build little boxes that help you explore your sexuality, and also questions for intimacy, so just helping you guys talk a little bit more. Because a lot of times in long you know long-term relationships, you get bored, you get stagnant, and you forget to keep checking in and making sure that your partner is okay.
That’s where my company comes in, helps you constantly check in, and there are activities. You can order a box, you can order a toy, and it just helps to build and thrive that sensual part of your relationship. That connection part.
My company started in 2020, so the middle of the pandemic and i just heard everybody talking about they’re getting divorced because they’ve been together for so long, and then now you’re in a pandemic, and you’re stuck with each other. You just hear about divorce rates rising, and I’m just like oh no! I felt like I had to do something.
Now that you guys are stuck with each other, you have to find things to do with each other, so that was a large part of how the company came about. As well as in my own relationship, I’ve been married for a long time, and I was definitely bored and stagnant. I had to figure out what to do for myself as well, so that was another large part of it.
Julie: Absolutely I think that is really the question. That keeps rising up in my life. A long-term relationship, after being together for so many years, let alone having kids together. How do you keep it fresh and new? How do you keep the connection? How do you keep intimately thriving together?
April: Yes, that was my question, and that’s why I came up with so many different avenues for it. Because I had no clue. But I definitely wanted to keep things spicy. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you think you know that person. But everyone’s constantly evolving, and sometimes you get stuck in who you remember this person to be. But now they’re evolving. They’re becoming their older self and things change. You have to constantly communicate. A big thing that’s definitely lost, in those long-term relationships. Because you think you know that person, you’re not checking in. You need to keep checking in.
Julie: Yes, and also checking in with yourself. I think for me the purest form of intimacy, is first with yourself. Before you can share it with another. It’s very easy through the movement of your life to lose your balance, and lose yourself. Then obviously the connection with the other as well.
Live comments from ladies:
Spicing it up!
Sexy new places!
April: Exactly, but it takes two, and a large part is communication.
Julie: Yes I agree fully, communication. Shella is commenting, “sexy new places!”. Which I totally agree with. I think there is a lot of power in fantasies. Exploring fantasies, and going into role play, and new places. Just taking off the mother mask!
April: Of course, a little thrill never hurt anybody. The bed definitely gets boring, so you got to move it from the bedroom sometimes just to spice things up. Which is why you know I make the packages for couples, and they can choose like what new thing they want to do.
I have an oral sex package
A package for anal with a little tutorial on how to do it properly
Julie: Yes! That’s so important!
Because it’s a little bit like we’re like we are thrown into the world of intimacy, and we should try it all, and you know there’s no more proper sex education. How to do it properly. Especially things like anal. This can be uber pleasurable, but it just takes this one man that has no idea what he’s doing. He’s going at full speed with no lubricant. Obviously, you’re never going to want to do this ever again!
April: Ha! Oh No! Never again. I’ve had great and not-so-great experiences with that. Where I’m like, “Wait! Hold on! That hurts! That hurts real bad.” Since I know a little bit more now, let me help you out. Because I know a little bit.
Julie: Yes, we are paying it forward. I wrote this book Slow Intimacy. A road map to happy endings. I wrote an entire chapter about anal. There are three times more receptors on your anus than on a nipple. Sex is meant to be pleasurable. With the right information and tools. It can be, and that’s our mission. Spread this information and let people know.
April: Absolutely! Spice it up! Mix it up! Especially after 20 plus years, it gets so boring. You know what your partner is going to do. There’s no thrill. It’s terrible.
Julie: I get allergic reactions to lube, but lube is so important! I use coconut oil, which is obviously not advised if you’re using condoms (because they tend to break). But you had a couple of alternatives.
April: I do, this is Aloe Cadabra. It’s 95% organic aloe lube, and it lasts for a surprisingly long time as a lube, it’s great. It’s some of the best lubes that I have. Because you know silicone is the best in terms of keeping everything smooth. It’s actually recommended by gynecologists. It’s not going to irritate you. Most people, because I don’t think too many people are allergic to aloe. I’m sure it’s possible.
Julie: I agree, aloe vera is as natural as can be. I think you were also talking about edible hemp oil?
April: Hemp oil, ye. It lasts for such a long time. It doesn’t get sticky and tacky. This by oh earthly body. Absolutely amazing. I also have massage oil candles, and they smell amazing.
April: You heat it up, and just pour it right on. Because it has like a low melting temperature, so you can just pour it right on. It’s such a great massage.
Julie: I love massage. There’s an entire chapter in my book about sensual massage. Inspired by tantra, and also the Chinese version, Tao massage.
Boxes s for couples, but one of the challenges. Well, you can use it by yourself as well. Ha!
April: Exactly, I try everything by myself first. I can vouch for everything that I sell because I love it. I do have valentine’s day boxes for couples, and I also have self-care boxes. Because you know…
Julie: Absolutely, very important. You need to know yourself first. I always say it’s so much pressure putting all of that load on him. You can literally give him a hand. Ha!
April: Exactly and don’t be afraid. Sometimes egos come into play. But don’t be embarrassed, don’t be ashamed to help him out.
Julie: Exactly, leave that ego outside of the bedroom.
April: Exactly. You literally have the road map to your whole body. But you do have to explore your road map. Things change, especially after pregnancy. My erogenous zones definitely changed after having kids and breastfeeding. You have to constantly engage with yourself and know what it is that you like and what you love. What you find pleasurable. Its so important to keep tapping into that.
Julie: Absolutely! That can also change, I think everything transforms.
One of the challenges, you said, was that men would buy the boxes for women. Then it would not always be received in the right way. Because, if intimacy is already a touchy subject, and you’re trying to spice things up. Getting a box like that is often misinterpreted. What would be the secret to making that easier?
April: Make sure that you guys have time to explore the boxes that you receive. Do not open it in the middle of the day. Don’t just hand it to her. Because she may be overwhelmed by the contents inside of the box. When you open my boxes make sure you have time set aside to really dive in and explore the box. You’re going to do it together and I have like little written messages for the couple so that they can explore it in a way that doesn’t seem so overwhelming.
Julie: Explore, (S)EXPLORE. Ha! My friend invented this word, I love it.
April: Exploring it together that is you know critical.
Julie: Yes, and first with yourself. For me that was a big one. First explore it with yourself. Go into this cheeky, whatever it is that you want to explore. Then after that, you’re going to be able to share it.
April: Exactly, it’s so important. I don’t know why it’s definitely in my community very taboo to explore yourself. But it’s so important, it’s so vital.
Julie: Exactly, one orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
April: I definitely believe that. It keeps your skin glowing.
Julie: What I’ve been studying a lot is tantra, conscious sexuality. Because I feel like society is kind of pressing us like lemons. We’re in this era of instant gratification, and even instant gratification is too slow. Everything has to go fast. But I like to slow things down and do everything in full consciousness. I think you also have a book in one of your boxes?
April: Yes in my exploratory box, the urban tantra book. Couples will open it and explore it together. That sensuality and intimacy that you gain from practices like tantra. Where it’s not just about an orgasm.
Julie: Not orgasm-oriented but pleasure-oriented. The orgasm becomes the cherry on top.
April: Absolutely, like edging. Especially for a guy. There’s so much growth in edging, and you know a lot of women don’t know about it. But it’s so important.
Julie: Yes! I love edging.
April: It’s surprising how much of a better partner he becomes when you constantly do it to him. His penis actually gets a lot harder and a lot bigger. Because of all of that tension that you’re building up. It’s so important.
Julie: Yes, and the orgasm becomes so much more powerful when it comes.
April: Edging, just in case you don’t know. Edging is when you bring your partner to almost level 10 of an explosive orgasm, but you bring it back down and you don’t allow your partner to orgasm. That is what edging is.
Julie: Yes! There is a beautiful poem that says:
Come to the edge my friend, come to the edge.
But what if I fall?
Come to the edge, my friend.
But what if you fly?
April: Very nice!
Julie: Also works for women. When you go to the circus, you have this bicycle with a small wheel and a big wheel. The male orgasm gets there much faster, equal to the small wheel. The woman is the big wheel, but then when she gets there, it’s like an explosion. When you’re edging, you can finally find that point where you’re together climaxing at the same. Yes on edging!
The women’s body is amazing. It’s almost like you’re filling a glass of water, instead of filling a dam of water. Feels a bit like a waste right?
April: Exactly ! I don’t mind people doing it to me. However, as a female, we can orgasm again and again.
Julie: Yes, ride the continuous wave of orgasm.
PC: Book Slow Intimacy, illu by @foofart
April: Edging for us will bring us to a sort of higher orgasm. When you finally get there, but for a guy, he is gonna orgasm once. You have to give him a little time, a little break, depending on how old he is. The edging helps for his longevity.
Julie: Yes, absolutely.
Queen Julie of our audience was talking about squirting.
There’s a really lovely legend in Rwanda. Actually my father told me, Ha! He said, you know there is this village where all the women are fountain women. YThis legend says that the queen was you know in her chambers, and she was getting intimately kind of aroused. Her husband was away at war and she asked her servant to come in. The servant was so nervous that he didn’t manage to penetrate her. He just kept tapping around her ladybits, shaking and shaking and eventually she… They called it sacred water, the sacred water came out (so she squirted !) and it turned into this river and that’s how lake Kivu was born.
That’s what all the women tell their daughters and all the men tell their sons. They say to have a healthy marriage you need to have the water. How cool is that?
April: That’s amazing! That’s amazing! A place where it’s actually centered around us, and how we feel. I actually heard in that region that if you are not able to make your partner squirt that you kind of get kicked to the curve. You have to be able to do it.
I definitely want to move into um making a box just for that sacred water or kunyaza. Ladies have to experience that and it’s all about you. It’s really nice when a guy or a female is thinking about just you.
Julie: Shella from the audience is saying, I have squirted only once, and I was in total relaxation. I have to say I agree. I mean when you have an internal clitoris orgasm. We know they’re both internal and external clitoris stimulation orgasms. Outside feels more superficial but when it’s coming from inside from me it’s like this light that’s just coming out of my body literally with the water squirting and it’s just so relaxing. I agree, it’s like please can I have this all the time! I don’t know how to get there every time, which I also like. I like also not to always be in control, because i’m a bit of a control freak. But I’m pretty sure you maybe have a little box for me. Ha!
April: Exactly, I mean everyone’s body is different so you have to find out what works for you. Which is why ladies you really have to explore yourselves. You have to. You have to know yourself. Because he doesn’t know. Like I said, we have the road map. We have to make sure we map it out for him. Do not be afraid to talk, y in the middle of sex talk say look I don’t like this. Like can we do something else, can we switch it up. Be able to have that open line of communication, even during sex. Don’t wait till it’s over to be like you know I didn’t really like that thing.
Julie: We’ve got some really nice comments here from the ladies. You have to be well penetrated, agreed. Everyone is different, of course. A penis by itself has never made me orgasm. I need to stimulate myself to orgasm but for squirting not. It just kind of comes from inside. Fom my part.
April: Okay okay, yeah me too, me too. But I actually experiencd that on a regular, so sorry Sheila.
Julie: Yiiiihaaaa! We’re getting a box of those! Okay so that was awesome. Do you have as a bonus, any advice that you would give to your younger self?
April: My younger self, I think the only advice would be that not everybody deserves your energy. Conserve your energy for yourself, and definitely I mean honestly I was never afraid to explore myself. But any of you guys who have not done it, have not taken the voyage in exploring yourself, please do that. I think that’s my biggest advice to myself keep my energy.
Julie: Yes, don’t give it to everyone. We are such givers. We give we give we give. When you say yes to someone, you often say no to yourself. Always check in with yourself. Be like if i’m doing this is it gonna nurture me?
April: Exactly, exactly!
Julie: Right? I feel that that’s what intimacy should be, it should be nurturing.
Julie: We should feel valued and appreciated.
April: Exactly. Like you said, I am a giver, so that is my issue. I give and I give and I give and I’ll give until I’m completely depleted. My lesson to my younger self would definitely be control who you give your energy to and make sure it’s worth it.
Julie: Yes, for me it all comes back to one word its keep your balance and about two years ago i tattooed it on my heart.
April: Oh wow!
Julie: Yes, equilibrio. Because any way if your cup is empty, you can’t give anything to anyone else. It’s better you take care of yourself first.
April: It’s so true. Because you know you feel like I’m a strong woman I can handle it all but you can’t!
Julie: I’m a superhero !
April: It’s not okay to be so strong! It’s okay to be weak! It’s okay to cry! It’s okay stop trying to be superwoman! Because you only deplete yourself and at the end of the day. When your kids are grown and everybody else is big you have yourself to deal with and hopefully you have a full cup and not an empty one.
Julie: Oui Oui so good.
Well thank you for joining.
April: Thank you.
Julie: Its a pleasure and all the ladies out there if you’re still looking for something to do or get your partner for valentine’s day. Well maybe an intimacy box is a very good idea and go on a journey together of self-exploration and (s)exploration with your partnerum to fill you with new energy. Because I think that’s what sexuality is meant to be. It’s meant to be pleasurable and it’s meant to fill you with new energy.
April: Exactly! Absolutely, Absolutely!
Julie: Thank you, everyone, for being here with us and commenting!
April: Thank you guys! Love you guys!
Julie: Love you so much, that was awesome.